Dreams

A Dream Deferred.

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In the late 1990s and early 2000s I went to San Francisco for the first time with my dear friend Caitlin from college, and we returned several years in a row thereafter. I fell deeply in love with the city and its diversity, culture, trees, water, horizon, and healthy food on every corner and we vowed to move there together at age 23. Life happened... she moved and I did not.

Fast forward to sixteen years later where I've spent the past three years scheming to get out West, inching ever so slowly closer to fulfilling my dream deferred to move to the Bay Area. I first heard this concept of a dream deferred studying Martin Luther King Jr.'s work, a deeply influential leader in my life. I was honored to hear his son speak in Arizona, and on the third Monday of each January I take time to reflect on his legacy and how I can be a more engaged citizen of my community.

In his sermon delivered on April 5, 1959 he shared the disappointment that can come from dreams not being realized: “Very few people are privileged to live life with all of their dreams realized and all of their hopes fulfilled. Who here this morning has not had to face the agony of blasted hopes and shattered dreams?” A more direct statement: “I am personally the victim of deferred dreams, of blasted hopes.”

He took influence from Langston Hughes' 1951 poem Harlem:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

It's a heavy piece that rings true for many, connected to the pervasive and painful political unrest and societal injustice still raging on today, sixty years after Hughes and King Jr.'s time.

My personal use of the term is on a different plane and parallels the themes of consciousness and social change starting at the individual level, daring to bravely own our stories and who we are (thank you Brené Brown), no matter how long it may take or how the crooked path leading us to pursue our truest desires and calling.

There's a quote I love from E.E. Cummings that says, "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." One of those life lessons not taught in school, and hard won. They say time is a great healer, and I would add that it is also a great clarifier and filter. Years pass, mental clutter falls away, and what's Important surfaces.

The word defer means to put off to a later time, postpone. It doesn't mean die or never. There have been people in my life who didn't understand why this old dream was still beating for me. It took time and patience and lots and lots of baby steps to block out the outside chatter, listen to my inner voice, and clear away the things that were keeping me from moving forward.

I'm grateful for another Hughes poem Dreams:

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.


I recently watched the 1984 film adaptation of the novel The Natural starring Robert Redford. One of the few baseball movies I hadn't yet seen, something about it really resonated with me. It came to me a few days later- the main character Roy also had a sixteen year deferment of fulfilling his dream to be the best player of all time because life intervened. The story is bittersweet- towards the end we discover he doesn't have much time left to live out his dream once he finally "arrives," and I think that sense of urgency is starting to come up for me as well. Our days are not promised.

So on this very rainy Sunday morning in January, close to the MLK Jr. Holiday, I sit at a table with eight other women writers at a literary writing and coffee drinking club in Berkeley with a feeling of arrival washing over me. I am indeed privileged to have an opportunity to live out a dream. I'm ready to learn, grow in my new habitat, and take these broken wings and learn to fly.

SF post
My first trip to San Francisco circa 1999 (pre-cell phone selfie), and shirts I made for Caitlin and I for our "unwreckable journey"
(complete with misspelling of Francisco!) - I wore mine yesterday Happy.